It's now time for a little history lesson. It's deeply pertanent to my life, yes.
Let's go back to August, 2000. The 2nd to be exact. I was 11 and living with my adoptive mom, a single parent. I had just gotten back from camp in the proceeding weeks, and had become accustomed to sleeping on the couch. Why? Don't ask me, I'm really still not sure. In anycase, I was in the living room, which was very near the kitchen, which was attached to the garage.
I woke up to screaming, mom's screaming, from the garage. I didn't really understand it, thought maybe she'd seen a mouse or something. I got up to investigate, and I distinctly remember looking at the doorknob to the garage before I saw something pretty terrifying. My mom swung the door open, but I seriously didn't realize it was my mom. What I saw was a figure on fire. Not just like a little spark or anything. Full fire. I screamed to her "MOM! WHAT HAPPENED!?" and in the same panicked voice she replied "It was an accident! A terrible accident! Call Sue!" Our neighbor, Sue was the only one who would probably be home. She lived just around the caldesac, about two minutes away. When I called her, she didnt seem really panicked, I learned later that it was because Sue took me shouting "My mom is on fire!" to mean that my mother had been burnt by the stove or something.
At any rate, when Sue arrived, she was in for a shock. She screamed as well, as my mother's body was now blackened by her intense burns, though she was still able to talk and breath. Sue ordered me to go to her husband and get him to help. That was the last time I saw my mother.
I ran. I've never run so fast in my life. I doubt I ever will again. And I also hope I'll never have to. I got her husband out of bed, but I didn't go back to my house. I was scared. And it was probably for the best that I didn't go back.
At around 11.45am (I THINK), perhaps an hour and 15 minutes after everything started, I was joined by my pastor, guardian, and a police official a Sue's home hoping against all hope that maybe. Just maybe my mom would make it. The phone call came. She didn't make it. Needless to say I was shocked. Couldn't bring myself to cry. Not for the rest of that day. Everybody tried to feed me, but I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was useless. Sue's family of 6 took me out to her husband's mother's home for dinner that night. I didn't eat anything. I just kind of sat there. That's shock for you. You don't really do anything. You can't.
I later learned that it was suicide; not an accident. Something that was obviously intentional.
My life from that point has changed incredibly. Some ways good. Someways bad. The one thing I know is that I have friends to help me out. These people don't mind it when I need a good cry or when I want to share something I remember from way back in the day. Sometimes I don't even know why I get emotional--it's really difficult to remember the woman for whom I mourn.
I want to make it very clear that all of my friends are the most supportive and lovely people I have ever met, and I'm so thankful I've met these incredible people.
Along with this, however, I have to put it out there that people have been very persistant in asking me to do stuff with them this Saturday (8 year anniversary of...yeah). I love you all for this. I really do. But please. I'm going back to MN to be with my family and then spend a day with my extended family (love you Lyra, we'll always be like sisters). I have the day taken care of. And I'll be fine. I appreciate your offers. I keep thinking, however, that you all want me to be with you, out in the open, in order to make sure I won't do anything to myself. That may not be the case. But it's how my head translates it, I guess. I know you all care about me, but know that I'm never going to do anything to myself. I'm not gonna try to take an "easy way out". I love you all for helping me through in this time of need, but I have that day taken care of.
I ALWAYS appreciate a phone call, e-mail, IM, or even something on my wall here on Facebook, so feel free to do that. I'd absolutely love it. But I've definitely got Saturday under control. I'm not trying to sound mean or anything. I'm just telling you guys what's up.
Again. Thanks so much for the support. I really REALLY appreciate it all.
I attached a music video by Phil Collins called "You'll Be Here In My Heart"; it was sort of like a theme song for my mom and I. We played it at the funeral, which was absolutely PACKED...I just thought I'd include it.
Thanks for reading, guys. I love you all.
Devious Journal Entry
Pain
Cheerful
Devious
